minervasolo | Entries tagged with self-analysis

Been reading

rionaleonhart's post about writing strengths/weaknesses. It's quite fun to analyse your own stuff, trying to avoid the Dunning-Kruger effect. I am, overall, quite happy with my writing, though I feel I lack any kind of concrete style, so this is a fairly self-deprecating list (I'm arrogant enough to start out assuming I'm perfect, and so this is me picking holes in that).

- I like to think I'm fairly good at both dialogue and description, but I can't do both at once. People have conversations in voids, or hang out in scenery with nothing but indirect speech to tide them over. Mushing together tends to end up with something along the lines of:

"Dialogue," he verbed, actioning.

"Dialogue dialogue," she verbed adverbly, actioning in scenery. "Dialogue."

He improbably-verbed, "Dialogue." He actioned.

Characters either hang in space for the entire the conversation, or accompany every sentence with some form of fidget. I also can't handle a conversation between more than three people; characters go completely mute. Council scenes in Greenhelm are a pain, because there are just too many characters, all of whom ought to be saying something relevant (often the same thing, or over the top of each other). This is why some of them tend to fall asleep, or sulk.

Also, it's the same actions over and over. All the show-don't-tell has left me with a group of actions that I use as shorthands for emotions, but they don't always show the same emotion (which is realistic, but when the one character uses the same action twice in one conversation for two different things, and another uses it in response for something else entirely, it's kinda meaningless). Characters are constantly tilting and cocking their heads, chewing on their lips, and tugging on their own hair. I have to watch myself to make sure I don't use any of them more than once in a section, and not by multiple different people in a chapter. All my characters are bald with terrible neck strain and ragged lips.

Also, improbable verbs and adjectives. Which, later, I can't remember why I used. Sometimes it's cool, but a lot of them time they just feel like typos. I just get sick of words like "said" and "asked".

( And I continue... )

Your go! Also, comment. Am I right about myself?

Simultaneous speech. How do you convey it without priviledging one statement over the other? Or am I asking the impossible for text?

I've been meaning to write post about why I like genre fiction. I much prefer it to, well, non-genre fiction. I'm not terribly fussy about what genre, either; scifi and fantasy, horror, romance etc. Genre fiction is, it's true, formulaic; you know roughly what's going to happen. This means, to write it well and keep it gripping, you have to be really good. And it's so satisfying when it's done right; more so, I find, than more avant garde fiction.

( musing on genre fiction, and really cool animals )

That got... long. I should have stuck to waffling about squid, really. Squid are damn cool.

There's also a very good show on BBC3 about a werewolf and a vampire that work in a hospital and find thesleves renting a flat that's haunted. With added Ho-Yay. XP

I am rediscovering reading. It's a little odd, really, since I used to be a nine novels a week person (god bless the local library). The degree rather put paid to that, and the internet hasn't helped at all. I'm finding it very hard to start reading anything; I just don't have the motivation. Once I have started, though, I'm devouring books. I feel a little dissatisfied afterwards, when I run out of pages and still want more Book, but that may be because I've been reading novels that do that deliberately (Brave New World and I Am Legend, to be precise, plus extracts from Milligan's War and Down and Out in London and Paris). And it's strange, because I finished Brave New World all of five minutes ago, and I'm both wanting more of it and having no desire to read anything else. I only started BNW at the hospital this morning, and I've been running around and shopping and stuff since then. So feeling a little unfulfilled, I guess.

My paid lj account expires soon. Don't know whether I'll renew it or not. I understand the moral objections everyone else has/had, but lj isn't even owned by that company any more, and I admit I wasn't nearly as bothered as most people seem to have been. Obviously, I was against the deletions and bannings, and the breaking of their own TOS, but things like flagging seem like the obvious business solutions to me. Because LJ is a business, and it is subject to law. Fanfiction is illegal, and depicting minors (even fictional) in sexual stuations is illegal; fight the law, not the people obeying it, I guess*). I see fanfiction and fanart in the same way most people see speeding, in terms of illegality, and it seems a lot of corporations do too now, since the era of C&D letters to many-and-various fan websites seems largely over. The flagging system is like sticking ratings on fanfiction: of course it dosn't prevent people from viewing it, but it puts the blame on their head, not LJ's.

On the other hand, the one thing all the banning and flagging and everything did draw to my attention was that LJ, as a business, was being very badly run. But Six Apart are gone now, replaced by a company that I know little to nothing about, and have heard equally worrying things about. I'm assuming (I'm hoping) that LJ's servers are still in the US, and subject to US laws, because I know nothing about Russian Intellectual Property and free speech laws, whereas fandom has provided a pretty good rough guide to American ones. If things do go down the pan again, I'd like to be able to get out without leaving too much money behind; equally, if enough people on my FList migrate, I'd like to join them. GreatestJournal is now dead in the water, which leaves InsaneJournal as the next main contender, and JournalFen it's usual, adults-only membership-codes self (that I never add any entries too, but like having the option of commenting on other people's).

Of course, the relevant arguments are "can I afford more paid time?" and "is it worth it solely for icons and polls?". I don't want a plus account (that's something I will take a stand against, even though with firefox I don't even see most of the ads), but I don't use all of the paid features anyway. I have more than six fandoms, and I like having relevant icons for each, as well as icons relevant to my moods and non-fannish interests. I like my layout, which I think is paid only (it won't disappear when my time expires, as I recall, but I won't be able to have anything like it again), and I like being able to do proper polls and edit comments and stuff like that. I like showing my support for a site I've used for five years now, but I'm not sure it deserves that support any more.

I guess I might as well take advantage of those paid features until I make up my mind, right?

[Poll #1132798]

*Where 'I guess' means 'I know this is a huge generalisation and not applicable in many circumstances, but it roughly conveys my reaction to people taking arms against LJ for not wanting to get shut down for breaking the law, and I like the phrasing'. When I use phrases that suggest I'm not firm in my argument**, or I'm making vague generalisations, they're usually shorthand for something like this.

**I have very few arguments I'm firm about (e.g. socialism trumps capitalism, or the idea thatphobas can esult from cultural memories is bullshit), and it's not really worth having those with anybody because I'm just going to reject their statements and not learn anything new. I mean, it's nice if someone else's mind gets changed and they learn something new, but I have a tendency to have these arguments with people towars whom I can be bullish and loud and steamroll whatever the other person is saying so I can feel good about myself. Attempting to have them with people who have equally firm feelings results in a quick stalemate and me backing down because I'm bored. I enjoy debates and friendly arguments, but much more so when something productive is likely to come out of it; introduce me to ideas I haven't had, show me the side I hadn't seen, and let me do the same. Now that I have some control of it, I like having my mind changed by other people. It makes me feel intelligent.

My moods are a little elastic at the moment. It's not taking much to send me either way, and when I get absorbed in something, I'm getting really absorbed. With the new cross-stitch kit (so pretty!), all of YJ downloaded and some new doll's house toys I'm practically in my own world, only speaking when spoken to. It's not intentional, but with me new hobbies take hard.

I've got to finish Margery Kempe by Monday, and I'm working Friday and Sunday, so I've pretty much given up on NaNo since I don't think I've got time to even reach 20,000 words. It's a shame, but perhaps before I sign up next year I'll check if I've got essay due first!

I also want to be vaguely sociable (by which I mean sit in the living room sewing or reading or such and not talking to anyone, rather than in my room, sewing or reading or such and not talking to anyone), which doesn't help me actually achieve anything. I'm quite glad I'll be at work for most of tomorrow, and away from anything engrossing. Just bagging stuff up, or something. Actually, still engrossing for me. Any repetative task that lets my mind wander, but not too much, is an instant draw to me. Shopping, online games, sewing... Especially when I'm worrying about stuff. I'll look forwards to a chance to actually start christmas shopping, but I haven't got time for that at the moment either.

I want time, I want less stress, and I want to finish the things I've started now. Until I've done the last, there's no hope for the first two, but until I have the first two I won't be able to face the last. Ugh.

It's Early. And Cold. And I work up at 4:30, and at most only dozed since. And I have no breakfast except a stale tea cake, which I shall ignore. And nothing to do, because I went online when I got home last night and caught up on lj so now I have an hour till I have to be at work and nothing fun to read.

:(

While all that's true, it's hardly something that really bothers me. Staying awake till past midnight freaking out over global warming did, though. It's a surprisingly common occurance for me. Short term optimist, long term pessimist. And it's not the fact We're All Going To Die that bothers me so much as the fact that Everything Else Is Going To Die. All the plants and animals we grew up with will be confined to fantasy novels and Edwardian fiction. It just takes one really cold, or really hot, year to wipe out huge amounts of a population. Then: all gone! Of course, all the crops will fail too, so everyone will starve to death. 50% chance of the Gulf Stream swiching off in the next 50 years (I don't know if this takes gobal dimming into account, though I suspect it probably doesn't), and I my brain helpfully supplied last night, that while that could be when I'm 70, it could also be next week. And this is the sort of thing that makes me honestly believe that suicide will be the best course of action when it all happens, though for the first time last night I realised that, you know, I do have family and friends. I'm not sure how that ties in and affects things, but it certainly isn't something I've considered before in this 'When the world goes to pot, die' plan.

And hence I didn't get a great deal of sleep last night, and now, thanks to having too much free time this morning, I probably won't now. I suspect this obsessing is possibly a way of avoiding more current issues, but it certainly wasn't helped by skimming through a magazine article on the topic. And, wonderfully, around the same sort of time we'll all run out of oil, so there'll be very little power, which I suspect will be reserved for hopitals and the like. Anyway, thats one reason I like to have hardcopies - not in case of computer failure, but in case of the End of Civilisation as we know it.

I should go out and buy some breakfast and appreciate my new MP3 player, shouldn't I? And then buy comics at lunch, and a present for gran after work (or the other way around), and get my Chaucer reading done, and have a shower, and go to writer's, and make sure I have 20p for the lockers tomorrow...

Life goes on. I suspect it always will, some way or another.

Considering that this really hasn't been a good day at all, I was surprisingly perky throughout almost all of it. Let's face it, when a day starts off with -

"Damn, haven't put the bin out."
::puts bin out::
"Mustn't leave keys in door!"
::takes keys out of door::
"Ooh, I fancy a glass of water before work."
::puts down keys, has drink::
::leaves for work::

- it's not going to be great. I'm really grateful I have Olly's mum here! Like I hoped, she noticed my keys on the side, and let me in when I got back. And, um, I've kinda invited her swimming with us tomorrow, since I felt bad about leaving her behind, and I think she likes swimming (there is swimming in Greece. Near her house. I think). I don't know if she'll want to do aquafit, or just swim for a bit. She'll be fine, I'm sure.

Anyway, locking myself wasn't the only bad thing about my day, just the first. As I said, very perky at work, showing customers around and such. Some issues on the phone (I heard 'Gatesly' instead of 'Yaxley', which is a cool name for a town/village), but mostly good. Pressured a little by supervisor into going to lunch earlier than I would have liked.

So, I nip into Travelling Man to look for Supergirl (just randomly, on the basis of it looked good on scas_daily). As I come in, there's a guy who starts talking to me, while I've still got my headphones in. Says how nice it is to meet people with common interests (It's a comic book shop! There's a fair chance the people you meet there will like comics!) and then starts going on about Wolverine. Now, I've got nothing against Wolverine as a character. I agree, Hugh Jackman did a great job in the film. However, I have fifteen minutes of lunch left, at least five of which go to getting back to work. I'm looking for something. Im not really a sociable person, either. But we chat, and I look at my phone and realise I have 2 minutes left til the end of lunch, I grab something and go to the til, and buy stuff. He comes too, and asks me to wait as he buys something. Starts talking to the guy behind the till about the Wolverine poster. I'm late for work. I make my excuses and scoot.

I don't know why this bothered me as much as it did. I mean, he was a nice guy. Bit of a stutter, but obviously keen to be friendly. I felt bad about legging it like that, but I didn't have a lot of choice. I was getting kinda uncomfortable anyway. I feel like I'm playing to a stereotype here, but I figure that yes, the female market for comics is significantly smaller than the male, and he was probably surprised and pleased to see me there for the same reason her was. And yes, he probably was working up to asking me out or something. I'd be worried he thought I was lying if I said I was taken, and at a guess he was several years older than me anyway. I felt guilty for disappearing like that, and even more so for feeling relieved.

Anyway, that fairly ruined my afternoon, though the confusing mess of stuff didn't help either. One company's not been sending houses out when promised, so we got calls about that, and people wanted wallpaper we didn't have, and my feet really hurt. I did go out and get a swimming costume and an aerial as I had planned to, but I was stressed and edgy all throughout, adding 'what if they're waiting to close' woes to 'I hope Olly's mum will let me in' and 'god, so thristy and kinda cold'. I'm missing 'me' time right now, as evidenced by the sheer volume of commentfic I spent writing yesterday partly to avoid leaving my room, so don't be surprised if I go into complete hibernation soon. I miss having time to write!

Here's a random little thing from yesterday (yes, I'm spamming a bit, but my brain is frazzled):

So, it's not an uncommon thing for Toast to ask me what I'm thinking. Generally, my response is 'nothing', even though that's not always true. Hence, I started making an effort to squash that as an automatic response.

Yesterday, he askes 'what are you thinking?' There's this whole mess of barely connected events going on in my head, my usual neuroses and 'ooh, shiny' and so on, so I try to pick one thread out of the tangle. My brain decides for me that none of these are appropriate, and pouts a new thought in my head instead.

Tomatoes.

Just tomatoes. I boggle a second, and relay this to Toast (with explanation, of course!). Only, while I'm doing so, my brain presents me with an image of a tomato. With a hypodermic needle injecting stuff into it.

...Yeah, that's what I thought you'd think.

You know, I'd worry, but I really do quite like living in my head. I am constantly entertained.

I keep putting off updating with anything substantial because I feel too negative. I don't want to rant, because I'm worried I'll offend people when I don't mean to, and ranting is all I feel like using lj for.

( so, uh, no offense? )

In other news, I've finally got going on my essay. No title or introduction, but several paragraphs after that. It's probably going to be far too long again. Sort of trundling along, because I keep getting distracted by things around me. Especially 'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest' which is one of the best books I've ever read. I'm already halfway through, and I didn't pick it up until late last night.

( quick food rant )

Oh, yes, last weekend there was an

almighty_frog here, and fun was had by all. I'm stupidly proud of myself for now owning several straight runs of Impulse comics, which considering they stopped the series a few years ago, and the early ones are about 8 years old, I'm quite proud of. I also have new Constantine and Fables, and a book I already own (why did Borders have both the American nad English editions in? And why on earth are they under different names? I can see no motivation whatsoever to change it, unless it's for the spelling of 'honour'). And a corset. Which, last time I check online, I hadn't been charged for! Is very pretty. At some point I'll scan the little illustration I did of me buying it.

Nnnn. Is all grey and dim out there. Makes me want to read more. 'Cuckoo's nest' is such a great book, anwhen I'm done with it I'll probably move straight on to the Gormenghast trilogy, to keep nicely in the mindfuck vein. But now? Essay. Grr.

Current Mood: ranty

Is exactly one month til my birthday.

::goes into denial::

Nineteen is actually looking less scary recently, but that's because of House looming much closer. Oh the joys of paranoia. I don't care which room I get, as long as I can keep it locked most of the time and learn how to bite like a rabid dog if people come in when I'm not in the right mood. I just can't get the foaming right.

I would just like to say the following (and the above) is in no way a hint or manipulation. I'm not asking people to get me stuff for my birthday. I was just thinking back on a discussion with Toast. I don't know if I'm an easy person to buy presents for, though I know I always find it hard myself. I've been stung in the past when I got something I thought would be a good surprise and show I knew the person, but was upstaged. Admittedly, I was upstaged by Tiny Cake, and it's very hard to be upset at Tiny Cake (Tiny Cake!), so I wasn't,, but it's made me careful about giving gifts.

What's the ideal gift? I'm curious to hear other people's opinions on this. Personally, I think it's something that shows you know the person, but also something they wouldn't/couldn't just get for themself. Either they hadn't thought of it, or didn't know it existed, or simply had other things they needed more. Presents, I believe, should definitely be 'wants' rather than 'needs'. I don't believe a present has to be bought by any means - a home made cake, for example, has got to be one of the best gifts a person can get. I don't believe a present has to be large, or expensive, or, I suppose, even that meaningful. That sounds a bit like I'm contradicting myself, but I'm not so sure. Giving someone a CD of music that they like shows you know them, but isn't necessarily a testament to the depth of friendship you share. But if they want that music, and they hadn't intended to buy it for themselves, it's a good gift.

This was the point where I thought I might possibly post a list of suggestions, since I know some people are going to ask me what I want, and it would be nice if I had actually arranged my thoughts beforehand so I had some idea of what I want. I kinda feel like I've talked myself out of that, since hte minute I write something down I'm going to be very tempted to go and get it myself. I have a very bad habit of 'buying myself birthday presents'. Many many birthday presents. Often in the form of Thornton's chocolate and comics I'd probably have bought anyway. But hmm. The best thing I always used to get was good luck. I was always better at rounders on my birthday, and I did better on tests.

( Please don't think I'm hinting people should get me stuff. Just think Luck my way and I'll be happy. )

That was not a very imformative list, I suspect. Oh well. At least I have some idea now. All that remains is not buying everything I thought of between now and then.

What else have I done today? Deposited £150 at the bank, which was nice except I may have filled in the wrong slip... Got food. Ate too much for lunch and felt ill before and after seminar, though not mostly during, thankfully. I really ought to fill in AG1 form and read 'A Hero of out Time' (or whatever that books is called), but I'm predominantly tempted to just put another layer of paint on the dollshouse. And then wish PVA glue into existence so I can stick bricks in. Or possibly just wallpaper the inside with the paper and wallpaper glue I did remember to buy.

I also suggest people try this. And read Scary Go Round (which is currently doing guest strips right now, and does not always look like this).

Back from Surrey now. Was definitely an interesting trip. Pity I didn't get to see more of more people. I'll try and remedy that in the summer, but I won't be about too much then either. It's this whole working thing (which I'm doing again tomorrow, thanks to a phone call last night).

I keep planning long and interesting posts, but I really don't have too much to say. I've actually trained myself out of self-analysis on lj. Toast is training me to do it outloud now, instead.

( that self-analysis I claim to have trained myself out of )

To do list:
~~- See Toast off~~
~~- Get apple cake~~
~~- buy fresh stuff (meat, vegetables,~~ milk)
~~- buy TT22~~, and thingy for keeping comics in
- do magazine work (and find out what magazine work I'm still meant to be doing)
- create accounting thingy on Excel
- pay

almighty_frog the money I still owe her
~~- get Natwest online working, because otherwise I have £6~~
- fill in loan form (or decide I don't need a loan...)

Oh, any Hellblazer/Constatine/Warren Ellis fans, there's an unpublished comic online, floating around because it's about a school shooting, and was due to come out too close to the columbine shootings. Pretty interesting, pretty good.

ETA: I seem to have done half of most of the jobs today. I did do half the magazine work, but I couoldn't think of a good way to show that with a strike. ^_^

Whichis worse, to be passive aggressive, or outright aggressive? outright cuases more trouble, since it's much harder to ignore, but passive can make poeple paranoid, if they ever notice at all.

I'm very passive aggressive. If I have any strong emotion towarsd a person, like hell I'm oging to tell them. I just make remarks that pretty much only Iget, since I'm the only one who knows, and drop half hints which would be huge hints if I didn't go back and make them more cryptic so as not to hurt people. I don't want to hurt people. So I kinda get surprised when people hurt me, and most of the time I assume it was by accident. Doesn't do much for the hurter, especially if this tendency to accidentally hurt me is a personality trait of theirs I dislike. I'm not going to ask people to change though. For some reason, I'm rather against that. I'll reference things that irritate me, sometimes actualyl say it to a person's face, but only if I know beforehand how they're likely to take it. Even if that's impossible.

I'm being passive aggressive here. Doesn't take a genius to figure out I got a little hurt today, huh? I've been overtired for the past few days which makes me more sensitive. Of course, being me, knowing it wasn't meant to hurt and knowing it was daft to get hurt over it because I'm tired, I ignored it and it didn't really hurt, but my usual 'tired' mood means that I'm upset that it didn't hurt me. Like I got upset about imaginary!Wedding, which is a good reason not to get too involved in daydreams when you're drifting in and out of sleep and can't control them particularly well. Point is I'm sensitive to things that would hurt me and I'm getting upset that they don't. I'm not actually hurt, though i guess I might have been for a microsecond. Mildly irritated, in a way. I don't know. I really really really need to get more sleep at the moment. Yay weekend.

Anyway, the question again: which is worse, passive aggressive or outright aggressive?

Part of me wants to say that was a miserable first day back. The other patr wants to say it was great. Seeing as there are many reasons it was great, and very few for it being shite, i'm leanings towards it being a good day back. I guess I'm just in the kind of mood where bad sinks in faster than good. Tired, basically. Only time you'll see me anything resembling emotional.

I hav a full timetable. I'd rather have a full timetable than an empty one (I'd d nothing if I had frees, and probably stop turning up to lessons too). Good things: Eng Lit is now with Roz, It is nowwith Jacobi. Thus, two lessons in which I knew few people, i now have friends! Bad things: Phys, i no longer have Hearn, Psych, i no longer have Anria. Thus, two lessons in which I have friends I now know, well, no-one.

I went into Psych in a negative mood. Plus tired. It didn't help that I walked in the room with my black studded collar, belt and top, big boots, and PINK trousers and immediately felt like an idiot. My conformist streak went "nooooo!" a la Gandalf falling into the ravine. It's also a class with only three guys. Experience has taught me that I intergrate much better in a mainly guy class. When we had our break I escape and hugged Anria, and tried not to whine at her too much. I said I thought I didn't think i had anything in common with anyone in the class. She asked something along the lines of "why do you think that?" Erm... I'm narrowminded, defeatist and didn't feel like even trying to get to know anyone? Went back determined to be a little more positive, armed with coffee, and continued not talking to a single person in the class and sitting a seat away from the nearest person.

Defeatist. That's completely how I felt. Huge pile of coursework I hadn't done (need to do so much more on the investigation and apparantly our questionnaire needs looking at closely, oh, and our hypothesis is too vague and we're meant to be working on the results but Ihaven't even done the method and we don't have any results because we haven't tested anyone yet...), didn't know the name of anyone in hte room, incuding the teacher and for some reason I cared. I spent three years at my old school sitting on my own, perfectly happy. I had several classes last year where I learnt the names of about half the class and rarely exchanged a word with them, and it didn't bother me. So i don't know why I'm making a fuss. It's a great teacher and an interesting class, and I'll bet everyone is really nice, but... I suspect part of me just doesn't want to make the effort. And part of me expected it all to be so easy this year, actually knowing people. I didn't expect to have to do the whole making acquaintances who'll tolerate me sitting near them thing again. I've got too much stuff going on to deal with other people right now.

Stuff I should be doing right now. See, my reaction to having too much to handle at once is to do none of it, and come and play on things like LiveJournal. Perhaps not the best of coping strategies... Anyone got some sand I can bury my head in?

To do, urgent:
IT Investigation, 16+ pages
Psych Investigation 2+ pages
Psych method, god knows how many pages
Psych experiment, 1 hour+
Psych results, 3+ pages (guessing)
Personal Statement, 1 page

All by the end of this week, along with various homeworks, lessons and trip to Exeter soon.

I'm blaming my negativity (I want there to be a 'negative' mood) on being tired, stressed and frustrated. I forgot - life doesn't roll over for you and won't do easy no matter how much you beg.

See, technically, it's been a great day. Lots of great things have happened. But it feels like a shit day because I'm on a bad mood. Cheer up, girl, cheer up! Sharn't. So there nuh.

If I don't stop now I'll just keep going aboutbeing defeatist and in a bad mood and then I'll get all self-analytical and then i'll whine and it's all bad, really. So I'll stop, and take sleeping pills tonight, and tomorrow will be all happy and sunny and good.

Current Mood: moody

I worked myself into such a state last night! Didn't sleep til past 2 am. I kept thinking I'd come on here and vent, and naturally, I'm now glad i didn't.

Whiny, self-indulgent rant, it would have been. These things tend, luckily, to strike me once I'm in bed. As I was thinking at the time: just because Im in a bad mood, doesn't make it any less true. Which is right, but when i'm in a good mood I have a modicum of sense and I'm not likely to go off on a rant about how I'd rather all my friends hated me so I didn't have to deal with them and how they're mostly 'high maintenance', except they never act that way, they just mope.

So, yeah, people falling out tends to have this effect, and I'm still glad the end of term is near, but the desire to make people feel guilty and sorry for me is gone, because I don't deserve it. Basically, everyone has a lot of shit to deal with right now, and i don't. occiosnally I convince myself I do, since technically various situations bear a similarity to mine, but I'm not that fussed, whereas everyone else is. It doesn't bother me that the people I fancy don't fancy me, and that they have no problem starting long discussions with me about who they do fancy. Too used to it, I guess.

All just so emotionally draining, you know? Except, then I go and get all emotional, so I guess not. And less than six hours sleep? Oh boy ^_^ If people fall out today, I may well give them a piece of my mind. I'm lad I don't go in first thing, so people have a chance to make up before I get there.

two days to go. Two days to go... Except, since I'm not intending to turn up on Friday: one day to go, one day to go...

ttfn

Current Mood: stressed

( Me catching myself out, and saying things about friends that sound less flattering than they ought, but aren't meant badly )

^_^ Got more bday pressies today! Necklace from Roz and bracelets from Ginger Rosie. Yay! Spent all of break grinning like an idiot. Filmed psych video too, which was fun, though i worry about how much damage we may have done to Blanch. Phone family to say thank you for various presents, a daunting task as usual, but mum was hovering over me to make sure I actually phoned. Eek - still haven't spoken to people about this interview thing! Must email!

If it wasn't for email nad text I'd never speak to people outside of college. Summer would be a friendless wasteland.

ttfn

Current Mood: thoughtful

I really need to come to a concluysion about my birthday. I toyed, briefly, with the idea of one of those murder mystery parties last night. No. Then cinema, but not only are there no films out I want to see, there's no films out that all my friends would want to see. Then I thought perhaps I could have people from school over on Friday night, and possibly go out for lunch on Sunday with friends who couldn't make it to that. That's the most plausible so far, but it's a lot of organisation and could get rather expensive, plus I'd be shattered by the time MOnday, my actual birthday, rolled around.

I have two problems: no matter when i organise something for, someone on't be able to come, and no matter what I organise, someone won't enjoy it. I'm an emotional sponge, if someon's feeling down I feel just as down. And no matter what I organise, at some point someone's going to get a little bored, or upset, or depressed...

Basically, I'd rather not have a birthday at all. I already feel a year older than I am, by dint of being the youngest in my group of friends. There's nothing I want, so presents aren't a motivation. I've gone off cake at the moment, mum's on a diet anyway and my sister's got ATC (Air Training Crops) on the night of my bday anyway. I don't particularly want to learn to drive. Really, why bother?

I feel like being a complete bitch lately. It's aprt of this whole feeling-sorry-for-myself skit. If I'm a bitch, no one will lik me, and I'll be justified in feeling martyred, except it would be self-inflicted so I wouldn't. Needless to say, I don't have it in me. I smile and make nice to everyone, even if I can't stand their company. ANd I like nearly everyone any way, so moot point.

On Holly's (Anria's sister, either step or ahlf, I can't remember) Birthday, we held her a surprise party. Twas fun, but I think i'd go nuts if eople did the same for me. All the same problems as holding one myself, but guilt for not haivng gone to hte effort to organise a party myself. What really bugged me at the time was fJ's constant repetition of 'if you have a party I'll have more money to spend on your present', which (and I know she never meant it this way) sounds a bit crass, as if she were saying 'if you don't have a party you'll get a cheap and nasty present'. I don't think it occured to her that it occasionally came across that way, but it felt like she was pressurizing H into having a party which perhaps she didn't want. She was very grateful ofr the surprise arty though, so all good in the end. The point of this paragraph would be that if J tried the same on me and I'm still in this kind of mood when I see her I might just tell her what I think, which I don't want to because I know she has absolutely no idea that it sounds like that.

If I do something for my bday, it won't be because other people want me to. That much I know. IRL I probably won't even mention it.

Of course, when my mood improves I'll probably be all gung ho for parties galore, but I doubt it. Now, i have to go and clean, because darling mother is paying me to, and she eeds the computer to work. Money good.

ttfn

Current Mood: listless

Skive: an anceitn Anglo-Saxon word with much the same meaning as it has today.

My Point: I skived English! First time I've every really skived a lesson. Yes, I'm proud of it. We spent a few hours in town, eating lunch and just hanging out, which was fun, then came back up to college to, um, eat and hang out, basically. The point is I could have been in an incredibly boring English revision class which most students would have been skiving anyway.

I'm proud ofmyself in an indulgently guilty sort of way i have two 'switches' in my head, well, 'alarms' really, that go off occasionally. One is "I'm a good girl!", which keeps me from lying and doing things like skiving, the other I "I'm too dull to...", which keeps insising that "I'm too dull to be gay". A novel reason to possibly be in denial, but having spent my life being so utterly average I'm unique the idea I might possibly fit in some kind of minority group is just too surreal. Anyway, I suppressed the "I'm a good girl" switch long enough to get into town, which was a great acheivement.

What else have I done today... Well, not much. Listened to maths teacher tel us how we're all going to fail, but we're the most fun he's had in years. Still hunting for episode 9 of WOlf's Rain. i've found 12-14, but it would be remarkably useful to watch 9-11 first, ne?

ttfn

Current Mood: impressed

( Self indulgent Whining )

Roz is so pretty. Her hair is grogeous! mH remembers nothing about party, so much teasing. Apparantly T and I looked worse being watched, if that makes any sense. mJ is convinced I fancy T.

ttfn

Current Mood: crappy

Wonderful gorgeous gorgeous happy lovely wonderful gorgeous darling friend Anria gave me Wonderful gorgeous gorgeous happy lovely wonderful gorgeous darling pictures. ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ ^_^ Not having photoshop was a definite handicap in the picture making process, so she did them for me! *suddenly realises she has a photoshop disc which should could have loaded on the computer...* Ach, I could never do them as well as she has.

I have sudden urge to make many random posts to show off all new picutres, but will restrain myself.

...Tum-te-tum...

Keep getting lost recently. Well, not recently. I've been getting ost ever since I could walk. I've always known where I was, just never where anyone else was. Managed to lose mother and gran at Wisley the other day, spent about half an hour traipsing from shop to car to shop to garden centre to car again to find them. It's not my fault this always happens to me... well, it is, and I'm quite paranoid about it. I'm calm and clear headed, always, and very sensible about the whole thing, but I hate going to new places in large groups. This is one of the reasons being abroad scares me. If I get lost, who do i ask? I'd be not only separated from the people Im with, but I'd have no idea where I was either. So I attach myself to people, follow them around, even if I don't know them all that well. Did that at Disney. Followed a friend's friends around the entire time because I didn't know many people very well and I was terrified of ending up on my own.

So, just my little phobia, and proof that it's still justified. I haven't gotten lost for ages, but Thursday was the reminder that I'm still perfecetly capable of it. My other phobia? Dogs. I was bitten as a small child by a bouncy German Shepheard puppy and ever since I'm terrified of most dogs. I go all stiff and rigid and freeze, waiting for whatever pooch is barking at me to go nuzzle my sister, who loves dogs. I'm okay with the small ones (if all else fails, I could always step on them) but I know too many people with bouncy german shepheards that love to jump up and lick my face and occasionally bite. What is it about german shepheards and poor training? My friend Gene has one and I hate going over to her place because her dog, quite frankly, is a menace. He bites. All very well him being at that awkward stage between puppy and adult, but taking him out for a walk is a nightmare. So, yes, do not place large dogs near the Min. She will freak out. mH has a german shepheard puppy... not going over to his house any time soon.

ttfn

(piccies!)

Current Mood: happy

It's a long post. I'm bored. I'll cut it to minimise space.

( Another day, another moan )

It's been one of those days, yunno? I've been hideously stressed for no apparant reason. All quite odd. Stress makes me fustrated, which makes me spiky. Of course, I wouldn't snap at people. Far too confrontational. Stress also gives me loads of adrenaline, which makes me want to run around and do stuff, hence lots of errands running at lunch. I wanted ot help, wanted to run, wanted to be in control and in charge and making people's lives better...

Funny, there is relief at coming out. Not about fancying Holly. No, about occasionally being in a bad mood. Of course, as long as someone appears worse off or in need of more sympathy than me (which, let's face it, is most of the time) I'm going to keep bad moods to myself, but that wasn't likely to change anyway. I spent nearly all of pysch covering both sides of a piece of paper with scribbling, like a small child. It was good to do something I wanted to do and not feel that I shouldn't because people might wonder. Of course, they probably did wonder, but I did it anyway.

I was going to go into long introspective self-analysis but it always feels kinda arrogant to do that, and I'm kinda mellow right now. Found yet anohter stress-reliever - Right Said Fred. So far we have walking, shopping, drawing, writing and listening to music. So, basically, everything I do normally and only stop doing when I'm stressed. Hmm...

V creative still. I love stress for this reason alone. I have now written a triology of short stories with a fourth in mind. I'm scared to start working on fanfic now, because this creative streek will get funneled into that and this is, frankly, a more productive use of my time. Also, started letting other people read. This is one of my little things - I never let any of my family read what I write. I keep Solitaire open so I can hide it whenever they come in. I mean, it's understandalbe with NC17 fics or whatever, but motof the stuff I write is happy fluffy fairy stuff. Yes, I write stories about fairies. Well, faeries. The spelling's important. These aren't sparkly happy little people, these are amoral bitches and bastards, and they love it. Well, in theory.

Okay, minor self analysis - Escapism. The whole reason I read, really. And write. Though the writing, it struck me earlier, could also have projection issues, i.e. I project whatever emotion I'm currently repressing onto a character. Turns out, this is the reason other poeple read and write, or at least some of my friends. All the best authors have had some terrible trauma to draw off, it seems. But I've been doing this for years, and I can't see it stopping. If I'm not reading I'mwriting, and vce versa. My life's just peachy, but still with the escapism. I enjoy it. I'm thinking of taking creative writing classes. Could be interesting: I've never had real criticism of my stuff before. I got a bad grade in English once, and i still maintain hte teacher was badly biased. So did most of the class actually, and they al told me it was a great short story, though, looking back, it reads pretty juvenile (it was several years ago. Problem is this: No one's ever realy told me that my writing sucks. When family and friends read things they tell you what you want to hear, not what you need to hear. I can be quite a critical reader, but I'll read pretty much anything. It's hard to criticise your own stuff. Most people go with Thumper's mother: If you can't say anything nice, don't say nothing at all. It's cuter when the rabbit says it. ^_^

Got to stop whinging about exams. I've been doing it far too much recently. I may or may not have more exam than most of my friends, but I'm quite frankly too confident about most of them anyway and it doesn't bother me as it seems to bother them. But I have to be the centre of attention and demand they feel more sorry of me because I have 10+ spread over three weeks, which really isn't that bad compared to my old school so who am I to complain anway? I've done pretty well, as far as I can tell, and only one disappointing mark so far, on which I lost most marks for stupid mistaks (me and maths - i'm great at it but I thought 8/12 was 3/4, not 2/3. Byebye pretty ticks.). So, no more on exams. I only have two left anyway, and while I panic more about Physics than i ought, I'm okay with it, and I expect to breeze through IT.

Not going to Rag Ball. Finally made decision. Problem: we may have promised a lift to someone. None of my mates are going so what's the point? Admittedly, as someone wanting a boyf it would make sense to go, but it's not like I'd talk to anyone I didn't know anyway. I don't have that sort of self-confidence.

Found apathy generator. Am amused by how much it resembles th posts of a lot of journals around here. Colin could use it daily and no one would know. ^_^ Not me. Yeah, I'm generally apathetic, but who gives a damn, eh? I have three rants to do, so to speak: the war, my sexuality (who knows what it is? not me!) and self-analysis, which for all my misgivings about anti-boasting (ever read Pride and Prejudice? Mr Darcy accuses Mr Bingley of being proud of his faults, and claims there's no such thing as modesty. I agree) I'm no doubt going to do, but when I'm in a worse mood.

Oh, the really dodgy song has come on! Hey it has the line "love's for lunch, half the world blows and haf the world sucks". I'v been listening to this album for eyars, and I'm only just getting the hentainess of this song. I honestly never got "Do you feel like taking them down" was referring to underwear, not knocking someoneo out in a fight. "If you can't get up, just get rude..." Oh, you know I'm just singing along here on my own ^_^

ttfn

("Fight it all you want it's a lurve machine...")

Current Mood: mellow
Current Music: Right Said Fred - Snog MC album

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minervasolo

February 2021

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Page generated 23/4/25 04:24 pm

Nothing but the effects of dust and vapor in the thin skin of air

Whereupon she crawls Wingless

Entries tagged with self-analysis

Writing analysis

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I'm about to start your day on a really bad note

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Thank you, Brain. Thain.

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I would blame it on the weather, but...

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Don't feel obliged...

Ridiculously long post. Again.

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February 2021

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