Ridiculously long post. Again.
7/4/03 08:43 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
minervasoloIt's been one of those days, yunno? I've been hideously stressed for no apparant reason. All quite odd. Stress makes me fustrated, which makes me spiky. Of course, I wouldn't snap at people. Far too confrontational. Stress also gives me loads of adrenaline, which makes me want to run around and do stuff, hence lots of errands running at lunch. I wanted ot help, wanted to run, wanted to be in control and in charge and making people's lives better...
Funny, there is relief at coming out. Not about fancying Holly. No, about occasionally being in a bad mood. Of course, as long as someone appears worse off or in need of more sympathy than me (which, let's face it, is most of the time) I'm going to keep bad moods to myself, but that wasn't likely to change anyway. I spent nearly all of pysch covering both sides of a piece of paper with scribbling, like a small child. It was good to do something I wanted to do and not feel that I shouldn't because people might wonder. Of course, they probably did wonder, but I did it anyway.
I was going to go into long introspective self-analysis but it always feels kinda arrogant to do that, and I'm kinda mellow right now. Found yet anohter stress-reliever - Right Said Fred. So far we have walking, shopping, drawing, writing and listening to music. So, basically, everything I do normally and only stop doing when I'm stressed. Hmm...
V creative still. I love stress for this reason alone. I have now written a triology of short stories with a fourth in mind. I'm scared to start working on fanfic now, because this creative streek will get funneled into that and this is, frankly, a more productive use of my time. Also, started letting other people read. This is one of my little things - I never let any of my family read what I write. I keep Solitaire open so I can hide it whenever they come in. I mean, it's understandalbe with NC17 fics or whatever, but motof the stuff I write is happy fluffy fairy stuff. Yes, I write stories about fairies. Well, faeries. The spelling's important. These aren't sparkly happy little people, these are amoral bitches and bastards, and they love it. Well, in theory.
Okay, minor self analysis - Escapism. The whole reason I read, really. And write. Though the writing, it struck me earlier, could also have projection issues, i.e. I project whatever emotion I'm currently repressing onto a character. Turns out, this is the reason other poeple read and write, or at least some of my friends. All the best authors have had some terrible trauma to draw off, it seems. But I've been doing this for years, and I can't see it stopping. If I'm not reading I'mwriting, and vce versa. My life's just peachy, but still with the escapism. I enjoy it. I'm thinking of taking creative writing classes. Could be interesting: I've never had real criticism of my stuff before. I got a bad grade in English once, and i still maintain hte teacher was badly biased. So did most of the class actually, and they al told me it was a great short story, though, looking back, it reads pretty juvenile (it was several years ago. Problem is this: No one's ever realy told me that my writing sucks. When family and friends read things they tell you what you want to hear, not what you need to hear. I can be quite a critical reader, but I'll read pretty much anything. It's hard to criticise your own stuff. Most people go with Thumper's mother: If you can't say anything nice, don't say nothing at all. It's cuter when the rabbit says it. ^_^
Got to stop whinging about exams. I've been doing it far too much recently. I may or may not have more exam than most of my friends, but I'm quite frankly too confident about most of them anyway and it doesn't bother me as it seems to bother them. But I have to be the centre of attention and demand they feel more sorry of me because I have 10+ spread over three weeks, which really isn't that bad compared to my old school so who am I to complain anway? I've done pretty well, as far as I can tell, and only one disappointing mark so far, on which I lost most marks for stupid mistaks (me and maths - i'm great at it but I thought 8/12 was 3/4, not 2/3. Byebye pretty ticks.). So, no more on exams. I only have two left anyway, and while I panic more about Physics than i ought, I'm okay with it, and I expect to breeze through IT.
Not going to Rag Ball. Finally made decision. Problem: we may have promised a lift to someone. None of my mates are going so what's the point? Admittedly, as someone wanting a boyf it would make sense to go, but it's not like I'd talk to anyone I didn't know anyway. I don't have that sort of self-confidence.
Found apathy generator. Am amused by how much it resembles th posts of a lot of journals around here. Colin could use it daily and no one would know. ^_^ Not me. Yeah, I'm generally apathetic, but who gives a damn, eh? I have three rants to do, so to speak: the war, my sexuality (who knows what it is? not me!) and self-analysis, which for all my misgivings about anti-boasting (ever read Pride and Prejudice? Mr Darcy accuses Mr Bingley of being proud of his faults, and claims there's no such thing as modesty. I agree) I'm no doubt going to do, but when I'm in a worse mood.
Oh, the really dodgy song has come on! Hey it has the line "love's for lunch, half the world blows and haf the world sucks". I'v been listening to this album for eyars, and I'm only just getting the hentainess of this song. I honestly never got "Do you feel like taking them down" was referring to underwear, not knocking someoneo out in a fight. "If you can't get up, just get rude..." Oh, you know I'm just singing along here on my own ^_^
ttfn
("Fight it all you want it's a lurve machine...")
Funny, there is relief at coming out. Not about fancying Holly. No, about occasionally being in a bad mood. Of course, as long as someone appears worse off or in need of more sympathy than me (which, let's face it, is most of the time) I'm going to keep bad moods to myself, but that wasn't likely to change anyway. I spent nearly all of pysch covering both sides of a piece of paper with scribbling, like a small child. It was good to do something I wanted to do and not feel that I shouldn't because people might wonder. Of course, they probably did wonder, but I did it anyway.
I was going to go into long introspective self-analysis but it always feels kinda arrogant to do that, and I'm kinda mellow right now. Found yet anohter stress-reliever - Right Said Fred. So far we have walking, shopping, drawing, writing and listening to music. So, basically, everything I do normally and only stop doing when I'm stressed. Hmm...
V creative still. I love stress for this reason alone. I have now written a triology of short stories with a fourth in mind. I'm scared to start working on fanfic now, because this creative streek will get funneled into that and this is, frankly, a more productive use of my time. Also, started letting other people read. This is one of my little things - I never let any of my family read what I write. I keep Solitaire open so I can hide it whenever they come in. I mean, it's understandalbe with NC17 fics or whatever, but motof the stuff I write is happy fluffy fairy stuff. Yes, I write stories about fairies. Well, faeries. The spelling's important. These aren't sparkly happy little people, these are amoral bitches and bastards, and they love it. Well, in theory.
Okay, minor self analysis - Escapism. The whole reason I read, really. And write. Though the writing, it struck me earlier, could also have projection issues, i.e. I project whatever emotion I'm currently repressing onto a character. Turns out, this is the reason other poeple read and write, or at least some of my friends. All the best authors have had some terrible trauma to draw off, it seems. But I've been doing this for years, and I can't see it stopping. If I'm not reading I'mwriting, and vce versa. My life's just peachy, but still with the escapism. I enjoy it. I'm thinking of taking creative writing classes. Could be interesting: I've never had real criticism of my stuff before. I got a bad grade in English once, and i still maintain hte teacher was badly biased. So did most of the class actually, and they al told me it was a great short story, though, looking back, it reads pretty juvenile (it was several years ago. Problem is this: No one's ever realy told me that my writing sucks. When family and friends read things they tell you what you want to hear, not what you need to hear. I can be quite a critical reader, but I'll read pretty much anything. It's hard to criticise your own stuff. Most people go with Thumper's mother: If you can't say anything nice, don't say nothing at all. It's cuter when the rabbit says it. ^_^
Got to stop whinging about exams. I've been doing it far too much recently. I may or may not have more exam than most of my friends, but I'm quite frankly too confident about most of them anyway and it doesn't bother me as it seems to bother them. But I have to be the centre of attention and demand they feel more sorry of me because I have 10+ spread over three weeks, which really isn't that bad compared to my old school so who am I to complain anway? I've done pretty well, as far as I can tell, and only one disappointing mark so far, on which I lost most marks for stupid mistaks (me and maths - i'm great at it but I thought 8/12 was 3/4, not 2/3. Byebye pretty ticks.). So, no more on exams. I only have two left anyway, and while I panic more about Physics than i ought, I'm okay with it, and I expect to breeze through IT.
Not going to Rag Ball. Finally made decision. Problem: we may have promised a lift to someone. None of my mates are going so what's the point? Admittedly, as someone wanting a boyf it would make sense to go, but it's not like I'd talk to anyone I didn't know anyway. I don't have that sort of self-confidence.
Found apathy generator. Am amused by how much it resembles th posts of a lot of journals around here. Colin could use it daily and no one would know. ^_^ Not me. Yeah, I'm generally apathetic, but who gives a damn, eh? I have three rants to do, so to speak: the war, my sexuality (who knows what it is? not me!) and self-analysis, which for all my misgivings about anti-boasting (ever read Pride and Prejudice? Mr Darcy accuses Mr Bingley of being proud of his faults, and claims there's no such thing as modesty. I agree) I'm no doubt going to do, but when I'm in a worse mood.
Oh, the really dodgy song has come on! Hey it has the line "love's for lunch, half the world blows and haf the world sucks". I'v been listening to this album for eyars, and I'm only just getting the hentainess of this song. I honestly never got "Do you feel like taking them down" was referring to underwear, not knocking someoneo out in a fight. "If you can't get up, just get rude..." Oh, you know I'm just singing along here on my own ^_^
ttfn
("Fight it all you want it's a lurve machine...")
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no subject
Date: 7/4/03 01:17 pm (UTC)Really. That's why I send mine to people with "rip to shreds" on the subject line.
Re:
Date: 8/4/03 12:07 am (UTC)Re:
Date: 8/4/03 08:40 am (UTC)