Nothing but the effects of dust and vapor in the thin skin of air

Because I feel it ought to be said: six months.

Yesterday ws most good. And very busy. Got up, went to town, had cake and coffee with Olly and Chris. Had nails done (with Olly, but not Chris), went to work. Met Olly and Chris at work, found Holly and Roz not far. Well, found Roz, and got pounced on by Holly. Had cake and coffee tea. Watched Look Around You and Captain Scarlet (original was better!). Took Holly and Roz to car park and said good bye :( Had bolognaise and cake. Watched Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory and From Duck Til Dawn with Olly and Chris. Had loud conversation about vampires. Went to bed (without Olly and Chris).

I've come to realise that I am consistent in at least some things, and Easter is probably going to involved dragging Chris around all sorts of places, often accompanied by Holly and Roz and Tor and everyone else. It'll be exhausting, but fun. And I'm sorry to people that I kept ending up so seperate from you. You need to walk faster!

The word 'boyfriend' is a very strange word. I've used it once or twice, but I can't say I'm comfortable with it. Unfortunately, 'going out' and 'dating' are both also misnomers. I do need to find a new word, because you can't really leave people to figure these things out over the phone when your main method of communication is standing in front of them and kissing a certain bloke occasionally, and mum will probably want to know before we all go home for easter.

Got up at 11 this morning, which is nice. It's a very pretty day outside. I'll be wandeinrg around town shortly, though I really can't be arsed to go and buy food like I ought to. I'm eating out tonight and working tomorrow, so there's no great rush.

Anyway, twas all very nice. Which leaves me half inclined to make a very opinionated post at some point, probably about writing. Just not now.

I finished Mary Barton! I like the characters, but the author keeps dropping in to say stuff like "Now I will tell you about..." and "I will go back and talk about..." which is as irritating in published fiction as it is in online. Toast didn't think I'd finish it in time. Heh. He known not yet how determined a reader am I. So determined, I'm about to start the next book on my reading list. Who knows, maybe by the end of the term I'll actually be able to read book I choose!

Met Toast's girlfriend last night, which for some reason he thought was going to be an apocalyptic encounter. She seems lovely, which is a given, really. Oh, and she's possessed of the coolest bedsheets ever. We watched Young Frankenstein, and had some biscuits, and her hair is even curlier than Toast's.

Anyway, it's an alarmingly pleasent day out there. As in don't need a coat, and can leave my window open. I could even go shopping, since I need to. Or I could just curl up with Bronte and more cups of tea.

It's been one of those days, yunno? I've been hideously stressed for no apparant reason. All quite odd. Stress makes me fustrated, which makes me spiky. Of course, I wouldn't snap at people. Far too confrontational. Stress also gives me loads of adrenaline, which makes me want to run around and do stuff, hence lots of errands running at lunch. I wanted ot help, wanted to run, wanted to be in control and in charge and making people's lives better...

Funny, there is relief at coming out. Not about fancying Holly. No, about occasionally being in a bad mood. Of course, as long as someone appears worse off or in need of more sympathy than me (which, let's face it, is most of the time) I'm going to keep bad moods to myself, but that wasn't likely to change anyway. I spent nearly all of pysch covering both sides of a piece of paper with scribbling, like a small child. It was good to do something I wanted to do and not feel that I shouldn't because people might wonder. Of course, they probably did wonder, but I did it anyway.

I was going to go into long introspective self-analysis but it always feels kinda arrogant to do that, and I'm kinda mellow right now. Found yet anohter stress-reliever - Right Said Fred. So far we have walking, shopping, drawing, writing and listening to music. So, basically, everything I do normally and only stop doing when I'm stressed. Hmm...

V creative still. I love stress for this reason alone. I have now written a triology of short stories with a fourth in mind. I'm scared to start working on fanfic now, because this creative streek will get funneled into that and this is, frankly, a more productive use of my time. Also, started letting other people read. This is one of my little things - I never let any of my family read what I write. I keep Solitaire open so I can hide it whenever they come in. I mean, it's understandalbe with NC17 fics or whatever, but motof the stuff I write is happy fluffy fairy stuff. Yes, I write stories about fairies. Well, faeries. The spelling's important. These aren't sparkly happy little people, these are amoral bitches and bastards, and they love it. Well, in theory.

Okay, minor self analysis - Escapism. The whole reason I read, really. And write. Though the writing, it struck me earlier, could also have projection issues, i.e. I project whatever emotion I'm currently repressing onto a character. Turns out, this is the reason other poeple read and write, or at least some of my friends. All the best authors have had some terrible trauma to draw off, it seems. But I've been doing this for years, and I can't see it stopping. If I'm not reading I'mwriting, and vce versa. My life's just peachy, but still with the escapism. I enjoy it. I'm thinking of taking creative writing classes. Could be interesting: I've never had real criticism of my stuff before. I got a bad grade in English once, and i still maintain hte teacher was badly biased. So did most of the class actually, and they al told me it was a great short story, though, looking back, it reads pretty juvenile (it was several years ago. Problem is this: No one's ever realy told me that my writing sucks. When family and friends read things they tell you what you want to hear, not what you need to hear. I can be quite a critical reader, but I'll read pretty much anything. It's hard to criticise your own stuff. Most people go with Thumper's mother: If you can't say anything nice, don't say nothing at all. It's cuter when the rabbit says it. ^_^

Got to stop whinging about exams. I've been doing it far too much recently. I may or may not have more exam than most of my friends, but I'm quite frankly too confident about most of them anyway and it doesn't bother me as it seems to bother them. But I have to be the centre of attention and demand they feel more sorry of me because I have 10+ spread over three weeks, which really isn't that bad compared to my old school so who am I to complain anway? I've done pretty well, as far as I can tell, and only one disappointing mark so far, on which I lost most marks for stupid mistaks (me and maths - i'm great at it but I thought 8/12 was 3/4, not 2/3. Byebye pretty ticks.). So, no more on exams. I only have two left anyway, and while I panic more about Physics than i ought, I'm okay with it, and I expect to breeze through IT.

Not going to Rag Ball. Finally made decision. Problem: we may have promised a lift to someone. None of my mates are going so what's the point? Admittedly, as someone wanting a boyf it would make sense to go, but it's not like I'd talk to anyone I didn't know anyway. I don't have that sort of self-confidence.

Found apathy generator. Am amused by how much it resembles th posts of a lot of journals around here. Colin could use it daily and no one would know. ^_^ Not me. Yeah, I'm generally apathetic, but who gives a damn, eh? I have three rants to do, so to speak: the war, my sexuality (who knows what it is? not me!) and self-analysis, which for all my misgivings about anti-boasting (ever read Pride and Prejudice? Mr Darcy accuses Mr Bingley of being proud of his faults, and claims there's no such thing as modesty. I agree) I'm no doubt going to do, but when I'm in a worse mood.

Oh, the really dodgy song has come on! Hey it has the line "love's for lunch, half the world blows and haf the world sucks". I'v been listening to this album for eyars, and I'm only just getting the hentainess of this song. I honestly never got "Do you feel like taking them down" was referring to underwear, not knocking someoneo out in a fight. "If you can't get up, just get rude..." Oh, you know I'm just singing along here on my own ^_^

ttfn

("Fight it all you want it's a lurve machine...")

If I'd come on here last night you would now be looking at several very depressive ranting posts. Aren't you glad I was way too tired?

Went to a friend's party last night. Original intention was to stay over, but there were too many people and I was shattered and had ceased to feel great. Not just alcohol, of which I actually drank very little, not just heat and noise, but emotional overload.

( The remainder of the rant )

Oo, we're having big family gathering over Easter. Should be fun, seeing various cousins and their babies and lots of aunts and grandparents and stuff. Yup. Looking forwards to hols. Only one week to go. Ought to be doing hw, but might save most of that for tomorrow. And Grand Prix. Like those. ^_^

ttfn

Ever have one of those days when everything goes right, but the total outcome is wrong? Sorta like the whole being greater than the sumof its parts.

I have Communications Essay due in today. I didn't find this out until three days ago, but we've had it since before xmas so i can't really complain. Naturally, left it til alst night. Got it all finished, but realised I need to know one of my source websites for my bibliography. No problem, thinks I, I have it at school. Print and save essay to disc. Bring to school, friend helps me find all my errors (oh, there's always a lot when i type stuff, you may have noticed) so I decide to alter it and print it out again, with the added site to my bibliography. One small probem, the school computers refuse to believe the disc is formatted. This is good, because I can show my teacher the rough and finish it in my own time. This is bad because almost no one has done it and I just know it's going to be me she yells at.

other good/bad thing. My friend is all cheery and happy again. i love it when she's like this. _love_ it. See problem? She in no way feels the same way, and I've never mentioned it to her.

Argh! She just came in and sat and chatted to me. Talk about timing! My heart is going like a steam engine. I was sitting here think 'shit, what if she reads it? should I stop typing or is that suspicious? What do i do if she does read it? What the fuck do I do now???' She didn't read it. I think.

She's gone now :( Usually she hangs around with me in my communications lesson, as we get let out to write this damn essay and I muck about on the internet. But now she's gone home. Conflicting emotions - glad she didn't stick around as she'd have insisted on reading this, sad coz she didn't stick around. I had a huge crush on her, then it faded, now it's back. Why couldn't it stay gone? She has categorically stated that she thinksof me as a sister.

I promised myself I wouldn't do this. I filled my blog with anggsting about this crush. And as this is way more public and I'm going to give her an LJ, it doesn't make much sense toput it here. Passive aggressive confrontation techniques. I won't tell you, but I'll tell people who will tell you and force you to confrton me, rather than the other way around. Hasn't worked yet.

oh well. It's sunny. That's good. See, I can be positive in any situation