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minervasoloIf I'd come on here last night you would now be looking at several very depressive ranting posts. Aren't you glad I was way too tired?
Went to a friend's party last night. Original intention was to stay over, but there were too many people and I was shattered and had ceased to feel great. Not just alcohol, of which I actually drank very little, not just heat and noise, but emotional overload.
I love my friends, I really do, but they wear me out. They all seem to stumble from crisis to crisis and I can't keep up. I'm not someone who has crises, and when i do I keep it to myself. I don't burden other people with my problems, except on here. Hell, my freidns have enough themselves.
I just don't know how to cope. They all start yelling or burst into tears or whatever and I'm standing there thinking "I want to help but I can't exactly empathise, this never happens to me" and then feeling incredibly guilty not only for not being able to help but not suffering crises like these. I have a balanced, stable life and am generaly happy.
Actually, I'm not, which was going to be subject of another rant. I'm generally amiable. If there's an apathy line, i'm usually sitting on it or under it. My friends are generally several miles above or beow. Sometimes I think I'd swap my emotional stability and suffer the depression just to have the extra happy too. I suffered a few days of feeling down a while ago, and I can't remember what it felt like, and I feel sort of proud of it, because I may have being feeling terrible, but at least I was feeling something.
Introsepctive self-analytical moment: I'm such a type C personality I repress emotions. This probably has a great deal to do with my father's death when I was six, after which I developed asthma, a psychosomatic symptom of repressed emotions. Prblem - I have no idea whether I've dealt with it now. Maybe I'm still repressing whatever I was supposed to feel and that's why I'm so apathetic and emotionless.
So how did I come to feel so emotionally drained last night? Not one friend going into a strop and smashing a bottle. Not another friend being depressed. Me stuff. Both people I fancy fancy each other, and while watching them make out all evening wasn't actually painful, it was a little depressing. I feel so... single. I actually wanta boyfriend now, which is unusual for me. I'm generaly happy being single. But now... well, I just want someone to cuddle me from time to time and to go to these things with.
And I think George fancies me. I'm really not attracted to him. He's a nice guy but there was lots of attempts at eye contact and I got picked as person to kiss when he had a choice. He has very cold lips. I got kissed a lot last night, actually, and ended up sitting there in my bra, which is not unusual for me at parties.
I have two 'party-personalities'. Both emerged last night. One is the person who removes clothes and kisses people, the other is the one who starts as apathetic and plunges into depression and pretend to be happy so she can feel matyred. I don't like that person. Also, I was overtired. I can tell this because I feel so different this morning, and also because of almost tears on several occasions. I don't cry. Not unless I'm really really shattered. And with everything happening, it's not surprising i was worn out, and I haven't slept much this week. Still, the latter party personality keeps turning up after about two drinks. The other doesn't need any alcohol. See, I've been properly drunk. I'm me, but more so. More amiable, more tolerant, more compliant. It was fun. I was hanging around with a lot of high people (note: I DID NOT GET HIGH MYSELF!! For those who read this and think I did [you know who you are]).
I'm losing all sense of identity. It comes of having too many friends At my old school I was very much a minority of one. I spent lunch on my own, usually in the library or on hte computer, as my friends were at orchestra or CU. I was the only person i knew who liked Anne Rice, Anne McCaffery (can never spell her name), Tolkien, Terry pratchett, Star Wars and buffy in combination. Here, most of my friends do. They've also all got something else, that makes them different. Holly is bisexual. Tor flirts. Roz draws amazingly well. Jaime is American and errs towards the melodramatic. Jacobi is a really sweet guy and very strong and also flirts. Sel is Jacobi's girlfriend. Ginger Rosie... i don't know her all that well, but she hugs a lot. Hearn is sweet and also male. And so on and so forth.
Basically, I am a combination of my friends (except most definitely not male). Last night, when i was feeling like being a matyr and drawing lots of attention to myself, i decided to avoid them occasionally. See, they all have other friends. i don't. They can hang out with other people. I can't. I am dependent on them. So, i figure, do what I did at my old school. Spend a few lunch and breaks in the library, alone. Establish some kind of independence. Depressing thing is, I know I'm not going to. I'll sit with them and smile with them and enjoy myself, and by Friday I'll feel like this again. And then, by the end of the weekend, I'll be looking forwards to school to hang out with them. When i have the first lesson off on Wed, I always go in early so I can spend all of break with them.
I almost wrote a list of my faults, but I'm not going to. It was just a selfish way to garner sympathy and be told 'of course you're not like that'. I don't want ot be that person. I am, but that's another story which I'll probably leave to the blog. besides, it wouldput me in a bad mood, and it's a gorgeous day out there. Going to go for a walk later. Walks always cheer me up if I'm feeling down. Also, being somwhere beautiful. of course, that generaly involves going somehwer far away, as, while it's quite pretty where I live, I need 'different' beauty. Actually, I realised that if I can't go anyhere physcially, I can be somewhere beautiful in my own head. I can picture somewhere in Wales on hte Lake District adn cheer myself up. Probably.
not been a good week in general. Got 57% in a maths test, when i expected to get about 70. Realised that I've been really stressed about al these tests. I had Frankenstein on Wednesay, and ittook up so much of my mind I copletely forgot I had other classes that day. Also managed to convince myselfit was Thursday, since test clearly must take up all of wed. Then big Phys test on Fri which wasn't nearly as bad as I thought, but we were late (really late) and I had too much stuff to carry and the people who give me a lift fouoght again (daily occurance, really) and then we had to get the train to go to this party and people threw rocks at us then the party and I've looped round in a circle back to the top of this rant. Another three mocks this week, and more results. Then i have to start revising for A/Ss whilst preparing for UCAS and researching open days. I can see why people are having crises at the mo. Too much stress, too much pressure, to much everything. It's just the crises make it all even more stressful. Sigh. It's all too much, really. Easter can't arrive soon enough.
End rant.
Oo, we're having big family gathering over Easter. Should be fun, seeing various cousins and their babies and lots of aunts and grandparents and stuff. Yup. Looking forwards to hols. Only one week to go. Ought to be doing hw, but might save most of that for tomorrow. And Grand Prix. Like those. ^_^
ttfn
Went to a friend's party last night. Original intention was to stay over, but there were too many people and I was shattered and had ceased to feel great. Not just alcohol, of which I actually drank very little, not just heat and noise, but emotional overload.
I love my friends, I really do, but they wear me out. They all seem to stumble from crisis to crisis and I can't keep up. I'm not someone who has crises, and when i do I keep it to myself. I don't burden other people with my problems, except on here. Hell, my freidns have enough themselves.
I just don't know how to cope. They all start yelling or burst into tears or whatever and I'm standing there thinking "I want to help but I can't exactly empathise, this never happens to me" and then feeling incredibly guilty not only for not being able to help but not suffering crises like these. I have a balanced, stable life and am generaly happy.
Actually, I'm not, which was going to be subject of another rant. I'm generally amiable. If there's an apathy line, i'm usually sitting on it or under it. My friends are generally several miles above or beow. Sometimes I think I'd swap my emotional stability and suffer the depression just to have the extra happy too. I suffered a few days of feeling down a while ago, and I can't remember what it felt like, and I feel sort of proud of it, because I may have being feeling terrible, but at least I was feeling something.
Introsepctive self-analytical moment: I'm such a type C personality I repress emotions. This probably has a great deal to do with my father's death when I was six, after which I developed asthma, a psychosomatic symptom of repressed emotions. Prblem - I have no idea whether I've dealt with it now. Maybe I'm still repressing whatever I was supposed to feel and that's why I'm so apathetic and emotionless.
So how did I come to feel so emotionally drained last night? Not one friend going into a strop and smashing a bottle. Not another friend being depressed. Me stuff. Both people I fancy fancy each other, and while watching them make out all evening wasn't actually painful, it was a little depressing. I feel so... single. I actually wanta boyfriend now, which is unusual for me. I'm generaly happy being single. But now... well, I just want someone to cuddle me from time to time and to go to these things with.
And I think George fancies me. I'm really not attracted to him. He's a nice guy but there was lots of attempts at eye contact and I got picked as person to kiss when he had a choice. He has very cold lips. I got kissed a lot last night, actually, and ended up sitting there in my bra, which is not unusual for me at parties.
I have two 'party-personalities'. Both emerged last night. One is the person who removes clothes and kisses people, the other is the one who starts as apathetic and plunges into depression and pretend to be happy so she can feel matyred. I don't like that person. Also, I was overtired. I can tell this because I feel so different this morning, and also because of almost tears on several occasions. I don't cry. Not unless I'm really really shattered. And with everything happening, it's not surprising i was worn out, and I haven't slept much this week. Still, the latter party personality keeps turning up after about two drinks. The other doesn't need any alcohol. See, I've been properly drunk. I'm me, but more so. More amiable, more tolerant, more compliant. It was fun. I was hanging around with a lot of high people (note: I DID NOT GET HIGH MYSELF!! For those who read this and think I did [you know who you are]).
I'm losing all sense of identity. It comes of having too many friends At my old school I was very much a minority of one. I spent lunch on my own, usually in the library or on hte computer, as my friends were at orchestra or CU. I was the only person i knew who liked Anne Rice, Anne McCaffery (can never spell her name), Tolkien, Terry pratchett, Star Wars and buffy in combination. Here, most of my friends do. They've also all got something else, that makes them different. Holly is bisexual. Tor flirts. Roz draws amazingly well. Jaime is American and errs towards the melodramatic. Jacobi is a really sweet guy and very strong and also flirts. Sel is Jacobi's girlfriend. Ginger Rosie... i don't know her all that well, but she hugs a lot. Hearn is sweet and also male. And so on and so forth.
Basically, I am a combination of my friends (except most definitely not male). Last night, when i was feeling like being a matyr and drawing lots of attention to myself, i decided to avoid them occasionally. See, they all have other friends. i don't. They can hang out with other people. I can't. I am dependent on them. So, i figure, do what I did at my old school. Spend a few lunch and breaks in the library, alone. Establish some kind of independence. Depressing thing is, I know I'm not going to. I'll sit with them and smile with them and enjoy myself, and by Friday I'll feel like this again. And then, by the end of the weekend, I'll be looking forwards to school to hang out with them. When i have the first lesson off on Wed, I always go in early so I can spend all of break with them.
I almost wrote a list of my faults, but I'm not going to. It was just a selfish way to garner sympathy and be told 'of course you're not like that'. I don't want ot be that person. I am, but that's another story which I'll probably leave to the blog. besides, it wouldput me in a bad mood, and it's a gorgeous day out there. Going to go for a walk later. Walks always cheer me up if I'm feeling down. Also, being somwhere beautiful. of course, that generaly involves going somehwer far away, as, while it's quite pretty where I live, I need 'different' beauty. Actually, I realised that if I can't go anyhere physcially, I can be somewhere beautiful in my own head. I can picture somewhere in Wales on hte Lake District adn cheer myself up. Probably.
not been a good week in general. Got 57% in a maths test, when i expected to get about 70. Realised that I've been really stressed about al these tests. I had Frankenstein on Wednesay, and ittook up so much of my mind I copletely forgot I had other classes that day. Also managed to convince myselfit was Thursday, since test clearly must take up all of wed. Then big Phys test on Fri which wasn't nearly as bad as I thought, but we were late (really late) and I had too much stuff to carry and the people who give me a lift fouoght again (daily occurance, really) and then we had to get the train to go to this party and people threw rocks at us then the party and I've looped round in a circle back to the top of this rant. Another three mocks this week, and more results. Then i have to start revising for A/Ss whilst preparing for UCAS and researching open days. I can see why people are having crises at the mo. Too much stress, too much pressure, to much everything. It's just the crises make it all even more stressful. Sigh. It's all too much, really. Easter can't arrive soon enough.
End rant.
Oo, we're having big family gathering over Easter. Should be fun, seeing various cousins and their babies and lots of aunts and grandparents and stuff. Yup. Looking forwards to hols. Only one week to go. Ought to be doing hw, but might save most of that for tomorrow. And Grand Prix. Like those. ^_^
ttfn
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So sorry
Date: 5/4/03 04:38 am (UTC)Please don't be down. And if you are, please don't try to pretend like you're not! I'm sorry I was completely oblivious to everything last night, but I'll try to do better from now on, okay? But I'm an oblivious moron, so if I ask you something you have to give me a straight answer - and if I don't ask, it's because I'm being an oblivious moron and you need to tell me!
Yeah, anyway. Good luck on your mocks - and well done for the test marks you got back!
~Anria.
Re: So sorry
Date: 5/4/03 11:50 am (UTC)Re: So sorry
The reason I do this is, primarily, something to write when I'm feeling down. I don't tell people much because there's nothing anyone could do, and you'd all basically end up feeling worse. And watching other people be happy cheers me up. And I know you were oblivious during the party - it was sweet to see you two. :o)
Look, I should probably be doing this in an email, but I don't really know what to say, so ask questions if you want answers, okay?
Re: So sorry
Date: 6/4/03 01:32 am (UTC)Glad we're still okay. ^_^