Don't feel obliged...
8/4/03 09:21 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
minervasoloIt's a long post. I'm bored. I'll cut it to minimise space.
It's just been one of those days. Again. I think I've been trying to make myself depressed. Not entirely sure why. *Goes on to list several reasons why...* Attention seeking behaviour, generally bitchiness, jealousy, self-pity... I'm not going to do the whole self-analysis thing. I realised I don't want anyone to read it, so it generaly amkes sense not to write it down. Plus, more of the attention seeking. I don't like it when I do that. It makes me a hypocrit. People have to warn me when I start doing things like this, and possibly punish me in someway to reinforce the idea I have to stop. Just realising I'm being selfish or petty or arrogant or whatever doens't make me stop, because I always manage to justify it.
I lost my pen. It was an Ordning&Reda pen. V expensive biro, basically. Depending what mood I'm in, I'm usually amused by / contemptuous towards people who place a lot of emphasis on designer labels, but, you have to admit, it doesn't often apply to stationery, and it was a birthday present. ...See, justifying again. Still, v attached to that pen, so i'm going to buy another one this weekend. Somwhere in between applying for a job at library and at Sainsbury's. I really don't want to work at Sainsbury's, but regular cash would be v nice.
You ever say something and realise that it was not only incredibly tactless but also uniformed and generally something everyone, including you, wishes you hadn't said? I do it way too often. I've been so careful about it since I started college, since I was always putting my foot in my mouth at GHS, and then I went and did it the other day. I have no memories of anyone else doing it, so I'm either the only one who is that tactless, or I just don't remember it, implying other people won't remember when i do it. I hope it's the latter, but I expect, well, actually I expect it's the altter as well, but I still feel like an idiot. I'll probably keep my mouth a little bit more shut for a while, until I forget again and suddenly find myself wondeirng how on earth I manage to walk with my foot so firmly placed in my mouth. I'm also going to keep my nose out of things that don't concern me, even if I am curious. Most things miss me entirely anyway, and I'm generaly the last to know, so it won't really be much of a change.
More hypocrisy: I really hate it when other people do it. Sam, poor pet, has a tendency to say things or ask things he probably shouldnt. I feel sory fr him; I can identify, and he clearly feels out of place. Katy, on the other hand, doesn't seem to give a damn, and it's one of the reasons I really don't get on with her. That and shes got quite an aggravating personality anyway, and she is def an attention seeker. Something else I do make a concerted effort to avoid doing, even if I usually don't notice until afterwards. Like today. My mind works in mysterious ways. Somehow, avoiding friends would prove they miss me. Of course, if I'm not there, how am I suposed to know if they miss me or not?? Pointless exercise that may be repeated because I did get revision done, though test was put back til Thurs. Another test tomorrow.
Argh. Promised I'd stop doing that. I'm doing just fine in these mocks. I should not be trying to reap sympathy sown for other people. English teacher read my essay out. Pleased! Well, bits of it. Can't read his handwriting wahtsoever, but he's really sweet. Didn't do as well as I had hoped in the other essay, but it's pretty arrogant of me to expect to do perfect in everything. I always end up feeling guilty when i'm disappointed with 75% and most people struggled or 50%. And quite right too! I'd blame it on pressurized private school, but I've always had overinflated achademic standards. I'm not entirely certain what'll happen if I apply for Oxford or Cambridge and don't get in. Nothing of the sort has ever ahpened to me before... Well, it doesn't matter. These things never do, really.
Look, becase I'm me, there hsa to be just a tiny bit of self-analysis (I swear, I'd make a terrible therapist: "you're having nightmares? Me too. I think I'm..."). Today: my sense of obligation. Basically, the reason I confine any vaguely depresive thoughts, or pretty much any kind of thoughts, to here, rather than tell people. If everyone is happy, I feel obliged to act happy so I don't bring them down and be a burden. If one or more people are feeling down, I feel obliged to act happy to help cheer them up. If everyone except one person is unhappy, I feel obliged to act happy to help them cheer al the others up and not become part of the burden. If everyone is unhapy, it falls to me to cheer them up and be happy. I don't know why i feel obliged (no pun intended, realy. That just happened) to tell y'all this, since it has no relevance to anyone's life but mine, but it's my theory and I guess I'm proud of it. I figured myself out. And I keep figuring other bits out, but they're depressing and make me feel like an arrogant bitch and a selfish little cow, so those I won't share.
Does acting like a good person make you actually a good person if you don't feel the same inside? I mean, making the effort must count for something, right? But then, I'm just too chicken to ever be bitchy outloud.
'God, woman, to you ever listen to yourself? Or read?' ^_^ I have to shut up now. That's me telling myself to.
It's just been one of those days. Again. I think I've been trying to make myself depressed. Not entirely sure why. *Goes on to list several reasons why...* Attention seeking behaviour, generally bitchiness, jealousy, self-pity... I'm not going to do the whole self-analysis thing. I realised I don't want anyone to read it, so it generaly amkes sense not to write it down. Plus, more of the attention seeking. I don't like it when I do that. It makes me a hypocrit. People have to warn me when I start doing things like this, and possibly punish me in someway to reinforce the idea I have to stop. Just realising I'm being selfish or petty or arrogant or whatever doens't make me stop, because I always manage to justify it.
I lost my pen. It was an Ordning&Reda pen. V expensive biro, basically. Depending what mood I'm in, I'm usually amused by / contemptuous towards people who place a lot of emphasis on designer labels, but, you have to admit, it doesn't often apply to stationery, and it was a birthday present. ...See, justifying again. Still, v attached to that pen, so i'm going to buy another one this weekend. Somwhere in between applying for a job at library and at Sainsbury's. I really don't want to work at Sainsbury's, but regular cash would be v nice.
You ever say something and realise that it was not only incredibly tactless but also uniformed and generally something everyone, including you, wishes you hadn't said? I do it way too often. I've been so careful about it since I started college, since I was always putting my foot in my mouth at GHS, and then I went and did it the other day. I have no memories of anyone else doing it, so I'm either the only one who is that tactless, or I just don't remember it, implying other people won't remember when i do it. I hope it's the latter, but I expect, well, actually I expect it's the altter as well, but I still feel like an idiot. I'll probably keep my mouth a little bit more shut for a while, until I forget again and suddenly find myself wondeirng how on earth I manage to walk with my foot so firmly placed in my mouth. I'm also going to keep my nose out of things that don't concern me, even if I am curious. Most things miss me entirely anyway, and I'm generaly the last to know, so it won't really be much of a change.
More hypocrisy: I really hate it when other people do it. Sam, poor pet, has a tendency to say things or ask things he probably shouldnt. I feel sory fr him; I can identify, and he clearly feels out of place. Katy, on the other hand, doesn't seem to give a damn, and it's one of the reasons I really don't get on with her. That and shes got quite an aggravating personality anyway, and she is def an attention seeker. Something else I do make a concerted effort to avoid doing, even if I usually don't notice until afterwards. Like today. My mind works in mysterious ways. Somehow, avoiding friends would prove they miss me. Of course, if I'm not there, how am I suposed to know if they miss me or not?? Pointless exercise that may be repeated because I did get revision done, though test was put back til Thurs. Another test tomorrow.
Argh. Promised I'd stop doing that. I'm doing just fine in these mocks. I should not be trying to reap sympathy sown for other people. English teacher read my essay out. Pleased! Well, bits of it. Can't read his handwriting wahtsoever, but he's really sweet. Didn't do as well as I had hoped in the other essay, but it's pretty arrogant of me to expect to do perfect in everything. I always end up feeling guilty when i'm disappointed with 75% and most people struggled or 50%. And quite right too! I'd blame it on pressurized private school, but I've always had overinflated achademic standards. I'm not entirely certain what'll happen if I apply for Oxford or Cambridge and don't get in. Nothing of the sort has ever ahpened to me before... Well, it doesn't matter. These things never do, really.
Look, becase I'm me, there hsa to be just a tiny bit of self-analysis (I swear, I'd make a terrible therapist: "you're having nightmares? Me too. I think I'm..."). Today: my sense of obligation. Basically, the reason I confine any vaguely depresive thoughts, or pretty much any kind of thoughts, to here, rather than tell people. If everyone is happy, I feel obliged to act happy so I don't bring them down and be a burden. If one or more people are feeling down, I feel obliged to act happy to help cheer them up. If everyone except one person is unhappy, I feel obliged to act happy to help them cheer al the others up and not become part of the burden. If everyone is unhapy, it falls to me to cheer them up and be happy. I don't know why i feel obliged (no pun intended, realy. That just happened) to tell y'all this, since it has no relevance to anyone's life but mine, but it's my theory and I guess I'm proud of it. I figured myself out. And I keep figuring other bits out, but they're depressing and make me feel like an arrogant bitch and a selfish little cow, so those I won't share.
Does acting like a good person make you actually a good person if you don't feel the same inside? I mean, making the effort must count for something, right? But then, I'm just too chicken to ever be bitchy outloud.
'God, woman, to you ever listen to yourself? Or read?' ^_^ I have to shut up now. That's me telling myself to.
