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6/3/06 10:44 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
minervasoloIt occurs to me that I've spent so much time focussing on keeping going (since, probably, the first set of marks I got back at uni, or possibly from the end of A levels), but I've got no clue where I'm going to. My mind stops at the end of uni, all imaginings hitting this big warm blackness (not a space, but not a solid either - like a very dense cloud). That I'm fine with, but I think I've stopped learning. It seems like forever since something new has come into my head, since I've had to stop and think and learn and understand, and triumph. I'm too busy ticking boxes and jumping through hoops (except I'm not, and that's probably half the problem).
I kinda want to do maths, or physics. Something with yeses and noes, and equations that fit no matter what the context. I love English, I do, and I'm enjoying doing the degree, but it's all just 'keeping going'. I realised the other day that I've lost interest in staying in academia. The first plan was to teach, and the second was to become a professor, but it's beginning to look like the third will be to work in an office, 9-5, keeping going. I'm getting far too complacent, far too happy with that idea. I've never been overabundened with ambition, but I swear I used to have more than this. Enthusiasm, at the very least.
It probably doesn't help that it's been so long since I've sat and done some serious writing. Or, really, any writing, but I'm working on that. I've been too happy coasting and keeping going, and not pushed myself for anything. I've been ignoring any potential challenges. I tried getting back into the Greenhelm headspace last night, and it half worked. It wandered into other stories, and struggled to settle on an appropriate cast. Part of me found it hard to remember where I am, as opposed to where the book is, and I half suspect I'm never going to write the intervening books, or maybe any at all after I finish the first few. I hope I do, though. There's at least antoher trilogy, and then a hefty space (maybe a series of short stories) and I'm not sure what then. It's all got a bit soap-opera-ish.
Over easter, then, I'm going to sit and learn latin, and sit and read theory, and sit and write.
Or perhaps, I'll go out more. More walks. More exercise. More socialising. More practise cycling (and swimming, because where did that go?)
I need a target. Maybe a deadline. I need to finish something. The problem is, part of me says it should be Greenhelm, which is not feasible, but I won't feel half so satisfied finishing the kids story. I used to write at least a chapter a week (a chapter a day during the holidays). Maybe that'll be the target I set myself, or at least a good climax in Greenhelm, only the next one's almost too close.
Oh well. I'll figure something out, and the computer needs restarting now. For all i can complain about 'keeping going', life is still a necessary object, making necessay demands. besides. I can go and sort out Chloe's birthday stuff now ^_^
I kinda want to do maths, or physics. Something with yeses and noes, and equations that fit no matter what the context. I love English, I do, and I'm enjoying doing the degree, but it's all just 'keeping going'. I realised the other day that I've lost interest in staying in academia. The first plan was to teach, and the second was to become a professor, but it's beginning to look like the third will be to work in an office, 9-5, keeping going. I'm getting far too complacent, far too happy with that idea. I've never been overabundened with ambition, but I swear I used to have more than this. Enthusiasm, at the very least.
It probably doesn't help that it's been so long since I've sat and done some serious writing. Or, really, any writing, but I'm working on that. I've been too happy coasting and keeping going, and not pushed myself for anything. I've been ignoring any potential challenges. I tried getting back into the Greenhelm headspace last night, and it half worked. It wandered into other stories, and struggled to settle on an appropriate cast. Part of me found it hard to remember where I am, as opposed to where the book is, and I half suspect I'm never going to write the intervening books, or maybe any at all after I finish the first few. I hope I do, though. There's at least antoher trilogy, and then a hefty space (maybe a series of short stories) and I'm not sure what then. It's all got a bit soap-opera-ish.
Over easter, then, I'm going to sit and learn latin, and sit and read theory, and sit and write.
Or perhaps, I'll go out more. More walks. More exercise. More socialising. More practise cycling (and swimming, because where did that go?)
I need a target. Maybe a deadline. I need to finish something. The problem is, part of me says it should be Greenhelm, which is not feasible, but I won't feel half so satisfied finishing the kids story. I used to write at least a chapter a week (a chapter a day during the holidays). Maybe that'll be the target I set myself, or at least a good climax in Greenhelm, only the next one's almost too close.
Oh well. I'll figure something out, and the computer needs restarting now. For all i can complain about 'keeping going', life is still a necessary object, making necessay demands. besides. I can go and sort out Chloe's birthday stuff now ^_^
