(no subject)

24/11/05 07:19 pm
minervasolo: (Default)
My moods are a little elastic at the moment. It's not taking much to send me either way, and when I get absorbed in something, I'm getting really absorbed. With the new cross-stitch kit (so pretty!), all of YJ downloaded and some new doll's house toys I'm practically in my own world, only speaking when spoken to. It's not intentional, but with me new hobbies take hard.

I've got to finish Margery Kempe by Monday, and I'm working Friday and Sunday, so I've pretty much given up on NaNo since I don't think I've got time to even reach 20,000 words. It's a shame, but perhaps before I sign up next year I'll check if I've got essay due first!

I also want to be vaguely sociable (by which I mean sit in the living room sewing or reading or such and not talking to anyone, rather than in my room, sewing or reading or such and not talking to anyone), which doesn't help me actually achieve anything. I'm quite glad I'll be at work for most of tomorrow, and away from anything engrossing. Just bagging stuff up, or something. Actually, still engrossing for me. Any repetative task that lets my mind wander, but not too much, is an instant draw to me. Shopping, online games, sewing... Especially when I'm worrying about stuff. I'll look forwards to a chance to actually start christmas shopping, but I haven't got time for that at the moment either.

I want time, I want less stress, and I want to finish the things I've started now. Until I've done the last, there's no hope for the first two, but until I have the first two I won't be able to face the last. Ugh.

(no subject)

8/8/05 04:15 pm
minervasolo: (imperial march)
Because I feel it ought to be said: six months.

(no subject)

4/5/05 08:20 pm
minervasolo: (Default)
HitchHikers is brilliant. I don't understand all the critics who mocked it at all. It's not 100% true to 'source material', but all of the previous incarnations have varied, so why shouldn't the film? It's even got marvin from the TV series in it.

I also declared my love of the popcorn at that cinema. So perfect. And got nervous and distant because Toast's ex was there, and it's the first time they've met since the breakup. I got nervous because he was, and also because I would have been anyway. She's a really nice girl, and I feel bad that it was only 8 days (I think, I can't remember any more) after they broke up that Toast and I got together. Still, all went well, so that's okay.

Apparently they've started cutting hte rapeseed, which explais why I've been feeling guh today. Hello, hayfever. Sore eyes, occasionally sniffling and a headache. Nothing major, but enough to make me hate being outside. Which, of course, is why I'm going shopping again tomorrow. Still need to return this apparently blank Bryan Adams CD (the best kind, I know, Toast).

I seem to have developed a small AMV addiction. I think I've downloaded about 12 in the past few hours. There are some absolutely brilliant ones out there, especially an extremely well timed Another Bites the Dust/Noir, and a technically stunning Spirit Never Dies/many animes. I'm happy to gmail the ones I think are the best to people who are curious. And if there are any AMV making type people on my flist, 'Life's Gonna Suck' and WK has not been done, that I've seen, and is just too perfect a match ("You're going to have to shoot a nun...")

(no subject)

27/2/05 12:43 pm
minervasolo: (Default)
Yesterday ws most good. And very busy. Got up, went to town, had cake and coffee with Olly and Chris. Had nails done (with Olly, but not Chris), went to work. Met Olly and Chris at work, found Holly and Roz not far. Well, found Roz, and got pounced on by Holly. Had cake and coffee tea. Watched Look Around You and Captain Scarlet (original was better!). Took Holly and Roz to car park and said good bye :( Had bolognaise and cake. Watched Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory and From Duck Til Dawn with Olly and Chris. Had loud conversation about vampires. Went to bed (without Olly and Chris).

I've come to realise that I am consistent in at least some things, and Easter is probably going to involved dragging Chris around all sorts of places, often accompanied by Holly and Roz and Tor and everyone else. It'll be exhausting, but fun. And I'm sorry to people that I kept ending up so seperate from you. You need to walk faster!

The word 'boyfriend' is a very strange word. I've used it once or twice, but I can't say I'm comfortable with it. Unfortunately, 'going out' and 'dating' are both also misnomers. I do need to find a new word, because you can't really leave people to figure these things out over the phone when your main method of communication is standing in front of them and kissing a certain bloke occasionally, and mum will probably want to know before we all go home for easter.

Got up at 11 this morning, which is nice. It's a very pretty day outside. I'll be wandeinrg around town shortly, though I really can't be arsed to go and buy food like I ought to. I'm eating out tonight and working tomorrow, so there's no great rush.

Anyway, twas all very nice. Which leaves me half inclined to make a very opinionated post at some point, probably about writing. Just not now.

(no subject)

8/2/05 01:15 pm
minervasolo: (Default)
Small smug smile.

It was huge grin, but I always feel a bit silly beaming to myself in an empty room.

Apparently, I'm Not That Subtle. And, um, yes. Ignored all the wonderful advice. Unintentionally, of course. On hte other hand, I wasn't misreading signals. I think. Though he's seen signals from long enough ago that I'm not sure there were signals, or concrete ones, at least.

I keep expecting to be terrified. Maybe that'll kick in later. Certainly, there was a wonderfully fatalistic conversation about where this all might go. We both seem to have a pretty relaxed attitude to that, and fully expect each other to run hot and cold.

Someone tell me how this is meant to go, coz I just don't know.

I don't think essay is going to get done any time soon. Maybe tonight. Probably shouldn't go to DougSoc. Unless someone wants 'support'.

I am going to fuck this up so badly.

(no subject)

30/1/05 02:13 pm
minervasolo: (Default)
I finished Mary Barton! I like the characters, but the author keeps dropping in to say stuff like "Now I will tell you about..." and "I will go back and talk about..." which is as irritating in published fiction as it is in online. Toast didn't think I'd finish it in time. Heh. He known not yet how determined a reader am I. So determined, I'm about to start the next book on my reading list. Who knows, maybe by the end of the term I'll actually be able to read book I choose!

Met Toast's girlfriend last night, which for some reason he thought was going to be an apocalyptic encounter. She seems lovely, which is a given, really. Oh, and she's possessed of the coolest bedsheets ever. We watched Young Frankenstein, and had some biscuits, and her hair is even curlier than Toast's.

Anyway, it's an alarmingly pleasent day out there. As in don't need a coat, and can leave my window open. I could even go shopping, since I need to. Or I could just curl up with Bronte and more cups of tea.
minervasolo: (Default)
It's been an oddly long day. First there was the waiting for Anria to wake up (how come I went to sleep about a hour after her but woke up four hours before?) then going to gford, spending 1/2 hour in library waiting for designated to time to meet mum for lift home, then another 20min wait beause she was late, then a great deal of nothing, then waiting for Roz to dorp by with camping stuff, except she was almost an hour late, then waiting for dinner, then waiting for something decent to appear on tv (and waiting, and waiting, and waiting... let's face it, there's no such thing as something decent on tv these days), then it became now. I've been bored, but I haven't wanted to do anything to alleviate that boredom. It feels like several days have passed, but not in a bad way. I just don't do much of anything over the summer, so it's like everything happened at once, and the day just stretched to accomdate it and my normal 'doing nothing' time.

I got told by a 49 year old Northern bank auditor that he'd been trying, and failing, to get other people interested in some of my original fiction. I'm actually very flattered, it just surprised me when i found out how old her was compared to me. I'm used to ff.n, where nine times out of ten it's a girl in her early teens. And because I feel like it, some shameless self-pro motion: "Another Summer Day", an experiment with telling a story in the second person singluar, and "Temptation Sensation", which has a crap title and doesn't deserve the 18 rating I slapped on it (more of a weak 15, to be quite honest). Be glad I'm only pimping the good ones, and none of the poetry. My writing is far from mainstream (at least that's my excuse), so most of it rarely gets read. Take pity on me?

I can't believe that party was only last night. Actually, I get beleive it was this morning that I was sitting watching trashy oneAM tv with Anria and my sister. Clo got promoted to Corporal last night, so she stayed up to boast to mum. Good for her! I meant to put more about the party in my previous post, but apart from 'guarding' a drunk Anria (not enough alcohol to get me even tipsy, alas) and slutty dancing with multiple other girls, much to the pleasure of the guys, not much happened. I can't help it, i have to be sappy: the best bit of the evening was walking home holding Anria's hand because it was 1AM and there aren't any street lights around here. I've never really held hands with anyone before, not since I was a small kid who ran out onto busy roads unless restrained in that manner. It was nice. ::huggles Anria:: There are things I want to say, but I don't think the words to express them have been invented, so ::huggles:: it is. That's my mood now, and when I think of that whole evening: ::huggles:: Don't worry, i'm not reading too much into anything, it was just very nice. Anria said some very sweet things, and we talked, and it was just all very good.

I've been having mini-mood-swings all day, from happy and warm to grumpy and resentful. If you were to compare the above with a post in my blog (the address of which is knocking about, but I no longer hand out) you'd see what I mean. How much I enjoyed myself at the party seems entirely subjective as to how I'm feeling when describbing it. It's nothing major, just the result of being bored and reading too much. Star Wars, Bill Bryson, the new Anita Blake (found it at the library - better than the last, but still reads like fanfiction of the early books), actual fanficiton... Ah damn, got to write more of that. Only a fool would promise to update a fic every other day. Which fool? This fool.

Why do I always sign off at the ends of posts? I update this thing about twice a day, on average. Sometimes I don't even leave the computer between updates. I suppose it makes it feel more like a real diary, something I have never managed to keep. Anyway, an idiosyncarcy to ponder.

ttfn
minervasolo: (Default)
It's been one of those days, yunno? I've been hideously stressed for no apparant reason. All quite odd. Stress makes me fustrated, which makes me spiky. Of course, I wouldn't snap at people. Far too confrontational. Stress also gives me loads of adrenaline, which makes me want to run around and do stuff, hence lots of errands running at lunch. I wanted ot help, wanted to run, wanted to be in control and in charge and making people's lives better...

Funny, there is relief at coming out. Not about fancying Holly. No, about occasionally being in a bad mood. Of course, as long as someone appears worse off or in need of more sympathy than me (which, let's face it, is most of the time) I'm going to keep bad moods to myself, but that wasn't likely to change anyway. I spent nearly all of pysch covering both sides of a piece of paper with scribbling, like a small child. It was good to do something I wanted to do and not feel that I shouldn't because people might wonder. Of course, they probably did wonder, but I did it anyway.

I was going to go into long introspective self-analysis but it always feels kinda arrogant to do that, and I'm kinda mellow right now. Found yet anohter stress-reliever - Right Said Fred. So far we have walking, shopping, drawing, writing and listening to music. So, basically, everything I do normally and only stop doing when I'm stressed. Hmm...

V creative still. I love stress for this reason alone. I have now written a triology of short stories with a fourth in mind. I'm scared to start working on fanfic now, because this creative streek will get funneled into that and this is, frankly, a more productive use of my time. Also, started letting other people read. This is one of my little things - I never let any of my family read what I write. I keep Solitaire open so I can hide it whenever they come in. I mean, it's understandalbe with NC17 fics or whatever, but motof the stuff I write is happy fluffy fairy stuff. Yes, I write stories about fairies. Well, faeries. The spelling's important. These aren't sparkly happy little people, these are amoral bitches and bastards, and they love it. Well, in theory.

Okay, minor self analysis - Escapism. The whole reason I read, really. And write. Though the writing, it struck me earlier, could also have projection issues, i.e. I project whatever emotion I'm currently repressing onto a character. Turns out, this is the reason other poeple read and write, or at least some of my friends. All the best authors have had some terrible trauma to draw off, it seems. But I've been doing this for years, and I can't see it stopping. If I'm not reading I'mwriting, and vce versa. My life's just peachy, but still with the escapism. I enjoy it. I'm thinking of taking creative writing classes. Could be interesting: I've never had real criticism of my stuff before. I got a bad grade in English once, and i still maintain hte teacher was badly biased. So did most of the class actually, and they al told me it was a great short story, though, looking back, it reads pretty juvenile (it was several years ago. Problem is this: No one's ever realy told me that my writing sucks. When family and friends read things they tell you what you want to hear, not what you need to hear. I can be quite a critical reader, but I'll read pretty much anything. It's hard to criticise your own stuff. Most people go with Thumper's mother: If you can't say anything nice, don't say nothing at all. It's cuter when the rabbit says it. ^_^

Got to stop whinging about exams. I've been doing it far too much recently. I may or may not have more exam than most of my friends, but I'm quite frankly too confident about most of them anyway and it doesn't bother me as it seems to bother them. But I have to be the centre of attention and demand they feel more sorry of me because I have 10+ spread over three weeks, which really isn't that bad compared to my old school so who am I to complain anway? I've done pretty well, as far as I can tell, and only one disappointing mark so far, on which I lost most marks for stupid mistaks (me and maths - i'm great at it but I thought 8/12 was 3/4, not 2/3. Byebye pretty ticks.). So, no more on exams. I only have two left anyway, and while I panic more about Physics than i ought, I'm okay with it, and I expect to breeze through IT.

Not going to Rag Ball. Finally made decision. Problem: we may have promised a lift to someone. None of my mates are going so what's the point? Admittedly, as someone wanting a boyf it would make sense to go, but it's not like I'd talk to anyone I didn't know anyway. I don't have that sort of self-confidence.

Found apathy generator. Am amused by how much it resembles th posts of a lot of journals around here. Colin could use it daily and no one would know. ^_^ Not me. Yeah, I'm generally apathetic, but who gives a damn, eh? I have three rants to do, so to speak: the war, my sexuality (who knows what it is? not me!) and self-analysis, which for all my misgivings about anti-boasting (ever read Pride and Prejudice? Mr Darcy accuses Mr Bingley of being proud of his faults, and claims there's no such thing as modesty. I agree) I'm no doubt going to do, but when I'm in a worse mood.

Oh, the really dodgy song has come on! Hey it has the line "love's for lunch, half the world blows and haf the world sucks". I'v been listening to this album for eyars, and I'm only just getting the hentainess of this song. I honestly never got "Do you feel like taking them down" was referring to underwear, not knocking someoneo out in a fight. "If you can't get up, just get rude..." Oh, you know I'm just singing along here on my own ^_^

ttfn

("Fight it all you want it's a lurve machine...")

(no subject)

6/4/03 10:14 am
minervasolo: (Default)
Damn Fateback's down. Damn them utterly.

Something I found out: The Christian Church only startedto allow women vicars in 1994, and there's still a hell of a lot of discrimination against them, and you can't have women bishops. Suddenly 'The Vicar of Dibley' has deep socio-theological meaning, as well as being funny. Oh yeah, and in 1990 one Bishp said 'Women are not capable of being holy, as they are unclean once a month', or words to that effect (I only remember the 'unclean once a month' bit accurately.) So, mad at them. Glad I gave up on religion.

Actually, haven't. It's almost as confused in my mind as my sexualtiy. I feel I have some sort of bizarre do to list:
Apply for Uni
Work out sexuality
Revise for AS
Get Religion
Plan for birthday

So, yeah. Hum.

Okay, I am one of four people who fancy friend. Why is this suddenly greatly amusing to me? Discovery: Now she knows, I can actually move on. A while ago I made the 'deicision' to not have a crush on hre any more, but that didn't work. Now, i think it will.

And much happiness for you and your boyf. Do Not feel bad. At all. Please.
minervasolo: (Default)
If I'd come on here last night you would now be looking at several very depressive ranting posts. Aren't you glad I was way too tired?

Went to a friend's party last night. Original intention was to stay over, but there were too many people and I was shattered and had ceased to feel great. Not just alcohol, of which I actually drank very little, not just heat and noise, but emotional overload.

The remainder of the rant )

Oo, we're having big family gathering over Easter. Should be fun, seeing various cousins and their babies and lots of aunts and grandparents and stuff. Yup. Looking forwards to hols. Only one week to go. Ought to be doing hw, but might save most of that for tomorrow. And Grand Prix. Like those. ^_^

ttfn

(no subject)

27/3/03 03:36 pm
minervasolo: (Default)
Back again.

That's the problem with these lessons. We get let out half hour early from 'form time', go back for communication and then, woo, back on the internet again. Yeah, I ought to be worling on my project, and I will, I just feel i have better toold for creating a conparative timeline at home. We need an image. And it can't be a picture. So, timeline it is. Seriously, what othr 'image' can you think of for 'How has Science Fiction evolved as a Literary Genre and has it influenced or been influenced by contemporary scientific knowledge?' We're supposed to present a balanced argument. Oh well.

It's amazing how coherently you can hold a conversation when all that's going through your head is 'oooaaaooouuuoooaaaiiii!!'Yup, angsty about the frined thing again (only half an hour later!). I feel so paranoid now. I can see her reading this. 'aww, she has a crush on one of us... ahh it's me!' So why am I still going on about it? Oh yeah, passive aggressive confrtontation techniques. Yeah, I made that phrase up. ^_^

Seriously, there's amuch higher chance she'll read this than the blog, and I got so paranoid about that. in theory, htis ought to be worse, but I'm quite calm. Calm in a 'oooaaaooouuuaiii' way, but still calm. I have no idea what i'd say to her. Thing is, I know she's not interested. She's teh first girl I've ever had a crush on, and I know she'd make a great first girlfriend, but we're so not compatable. Except we might be. Anyway, that aside, a really daft aprt of me has made up it's stubbron mind that if i can't have her, I won't date a girl. It's a stupid and daft part, but it's very hard to dissuade it.

oo, jsut got a survey. I feel like filling it out. I generally get about one a month, but mostly I ignore them. Here is a good place to put them, methinks.
minervasolo: (Default)
Ever have one of those days when everything goes right, but the total outcome is wrong? Sorta like the whole being greater than the sumof its parts.

I have Communications Essay due in today. I didn't find this out until three days ago, but we've had it since before xmas so i can't really complain. Naturally, left it til alst night. Got it all finished, but realised I need to know one of my source websites for my bibliography. No problem, thinks I, I have it at school. Print and save essay to disc. Bring to school, friend helps me find all my errors (oh, there's always a lot when i type stuff, you may have noticed) so I decide to alter it and print it out again, with the added site to my bibliography. One small probem, the school computers refuse to believe the disc is formatted. This is good, because I can show my teacher the rough and finish it in my own time. This is bad because almost no one has done it and I just know it's going to be me she yells at.

other good/bad thing. My friend is all cheery and happy again. i love it when she's like this. _love_ it. See problem? She in no way feels the same way, and I've never mentioned it to her.

Argh! She just came in and sat and chatted to me. Talk about timing! My heart is going like a steam engine. I was sitting here think 'shit, what if she reads it? should I stop typing or is that suspicious? What do i do if she does read it? What the fuck do I do now???' She didn't read it. I think.

She's gone now :( Usually she hangs around with me in my communications lesson, as we get let out to write this damn essay and I muck about on the internet. But now she's gone home. Conflicting emotions - glad she didn't stick around as she'd have insisted on reading this, sad coz she didn't stick around. I had a huge crush on her, then it faded, now it's back. Why couldn't it stay gone? She has categorically stated that she thinksof me as a sister.

I promised myself I wouldn't do this. I filled my blog with anggsting about this crush. And as this is way more public and I'm going to give her an LJ, it doesn't make much sense toput it here. Passive aggressive confrontation techniques. I won't tell you, but I'll tell people who will tell you and force you to confrton me, rather than the other way around. Hasn't worked yet.

oh well. It's sunny. That's good. See, I can be positive in any situation

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